I A S ( Its a secret ) Complex

HMMMMM!!!!!

Boy, do I  feel good! I happened putting some of my  ” Its a secret” Complex on my mom at the hospital with stroke, I gave her some 3 weeks ago to use it , but she said she used it only once 3 weeks ago, I guess she keeps forgetting. But I noticed some changes on her face, my sister Cathy noticed that taxture of her face  has changed strangely as she puts it. I told the nurse about the cream and what it does, A few minutes later she sent some one in mom’s room who is a nurse had Bells Palsy, The nurse’s half of the face drooped down noticebly, She wanted cream right then, said she doesn’t care it works or not she is willing to try anything at this point. Walla!!, next morning her face looked so much lifted almost half way up.

Oh, boy, I was so glad that I made some one so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank God for that.

On June 20th, women called me said her name is Treasa, one who gave me the direction to the my son Eugene’s first njght’s camp site during the AIDS LIFE CYCLE in Santa Cruse. I remembered her who i gave the cream after  she gave me the directions to the camp. I couldn’t hear anything what she said besause i was so occupied looking at her paralized left side of her face, and keep thinking what I should  do. I drove away a few yards but end up giving her the cream and told her to put it on only on her left side.That night when she call me told me she was that way from birth caused by breeched birth. But now her face is even both sides.

Boy , do I feel so good, so rewarding feeling, That made me very happy person.

I love her, my daughter, Eunie Leia Kim

My heart is full with joy, my girl, my little baby, you are to me, but you are so tall in many ways for I look up to you , my precious.

You grown up in no time, the time went ever too fast, I wished it to linger little longer many times, so I can collect my thoughts together to teach you bit more that I thought I missed some how, something must have stolen my time slot that I thought I had. after you went to college, I started write a few things I thought I like you to know , the things my mother never tought me. And before I even finished 3 or 4 things, you already graduated from college after you have been through 2 internships.

Now here you are, my baby,  graduatimg, getting your Masters already, so concretly you are heading to the Law school, and you never asked me for anything more. Oh, Eunie, my dearest daughter, you earned your respect from me, how could I deserve better than you as my daughter.

Congratulations, and how could I thank you ! I am so exstatic, so proud, and so very happy. You are my hero. Thanks for making me a happiest mom in the whole wide world.

My heart is beating so fast, it is full of joy, I want to paint the skies so blue, I want to sit on that white clouds, and watch the spirit of fairies combing through greenest tall trees,…..

May 27 ,08  2 am

This is for you Eunie ,for your graduation. On June 13, o8

Its a secret!!, Its crazy!!

I wish I can reveal, But I can’t,because its a secret.

What’s in it ? they all ask, I can’t tell you that , Its a secret!.

I gave small sample jar of my cream to Jerry my maintenance men to give to his wife to put on her face. I wanted cheer her up a bit, she has been suffering with Polio for a long time. Next day I asked him how was the result of the cream i gave, ” Oh well she got lop-sided now she needs to put it on other side of her face (I always tell people to put it on their worse side of the face first to see the changes taking place.

Now Jerry himself wanted some, next day he comes to work, “look at my neck! all I put it only on my neck, look my turkey necks are gone!” the next day, Jerry comes in to work said  ” look at my eyes, crows feet i had aruound my eyes are disappearing! ” ( i didn’t know he had crows feet, but I believe him. He has no reason to lie abouy that.)

June 23 08, Jerry showed me his eye lids, he said cream lifted his’, took off his glasses t show me his eyes.He said his lids were much droopy before, but I did not know how he looked before because of his glasses, but I believe him telling me the truth.

 

wow !! every day these testimony is building up, so i decided to write it as journal.

I am so greatful, my logo is made, label will be printed, the jars are ordered, Its all coming together slowly but surely, the world best Anti-Aging cream ” Its a secret !” is coming !!!

Call  714-914-2660, Leia only, $ 25.00 plus shipping $5.00 total $30.00 or email if anyone wants to sell to make some good honest living, Order 5 or more $15.00each, 10 or more $12.50 each  sunstarhb@gmail.com  5/26/08

The beast bit off my hand

If I go back with my memories, tracing back to the morning of the lawn mower accident changed my life upside down, lierally I can state it as such.

On a beautiful saturday morning, Sept.23.1989, less than month since we moved in to this tiny 3 bed room and a den with huge back yard house near my business, The Beach Store.

The most important thing I am concerned about is not how, when or what had happened, but what kind of things went through my mind, psychological aspects of it. Specially what it did to my whole being, which resulted in transformational experience.

It only took less than a split second, Clearly it was dumbest thing to do put a hand in a running lawn mower,trying to get grass out of it. It was like the beast bit off my hand in a less than a split second. The dark red blood was gushing out as the speed of my heart beat.

Oops, Oh God, Oh shit!. I screamed out silently, there were no one was there to hear me . ” I must stop this bleeding, I will die in 2 minutes if I don’t ”

In a split second, I put my right hand over the bleeding hand.” Go get some help, but don’t go in the house “.My kids were eating cereal, my daughter Eunie  6, my son Eugene was 2 years old.

In a split second, I realized, ” Oh my God, Oh shit, I am a handicap mother for kids for rest of their lives”.

” It’s done deal now “.The deepest sense of loss forever will remain. In a split second, most grey and dark fallen, helpless feeling fook over my whole being, body  and soul mind. It was sort of pain and servere paralizing shock though out my body, can’t quite pin point where it was hurting.

In a split second, that was the moment of beginning point of my journey.” Oh my God, what am I supposed to learn from this?” My question never quite answered, and it is still remaining as question not fully answered I still ask ” What is my lesson ?” ” What am I learn from each experinces ?”

In a split second, I knew what I must do next. I walked calmly to my neighbor’s house cross the Street, asked Donna to call 911 and bring something to tie my wrist with. And continued to give Donna instructions what to do in a such a calm collective manner, maybe that’s why she was so shaking instead of me, couldn’t even talk. I had Donna jot down names and phone numbers. And ask some one to take my kids inside  of the house because I glanced with my side eyes, noticed they were crying and watching me from front of our house. I couldn’t bare to see them traumatized more than they have to .( That’s the reason I did not want them to visit me at the hospital,but let them know that I was fine by talking to them on the phone.) I silently pleaded, : Please forgive me for getting hurt, I am so sorry…..”

I felt like it was almost a split second later after I get through with all the instructions with Donna, the fire truck came and the ambulance followed right after. I didn’t feel any pain at all untill I got into the ambulance. What the heck !, I sreamed out loud as I can this time, now I’ve got somebody to hear me out loud, demanding and pleading for something for my pain, but they had some kind of good reason they couldn’t give me more. I forgot or I had no memories at all about what they said or maybe I was in no condition to understand anything at all.

In a split second, or was it a longest ride, I found myself in the emergency room at the UC Irvine hospital. I heard my dearest girl friend Linda asking the doctor, in a whispering voice from the other side of te curtains.

” Can I give her my thumb? Is it possible ?” I could not believe what she was willing to give up, her own thumb for me. ” Is she for real?” In a split second, I guess I was in a shock with more shocking moment. This time it was different kind of a shock. I could not hear what Doctor had told her. In a split second,  ” Oh God, I have a firend.” Still this day I some times ask myself could I have given my thumb if she was injured, ofcourse answer would be, yes, because I knew she would have done that for me. But what if she got injured first place, would I be willing to give her my thumb….I often wonered what my answer would have been……Still not sure of my answer to that….Could I have if I was a single without my kids? Or is this just a excuse for my answer toward ” No”

The time went very slowly when they rolled me in front of the opreration room. they left me there for a longest time, frankly I was in no condition to have sense of time or anything but noticed the hallway was so cold and one time I thought about what if my injuries getting rotten waiting so long…..

Maybe it was drugs that gave me to give planty of allowance for this unfortunate accident victim to take my turn who needed operation room before me. And it was a bit of comfort to me to know my life was not in immediate danger. In a split second, I felt generous,”Oh, You can take my turn.” I mumbled. In a split second, I was assuring myself, ” this is also my lesson, so give allowances. “As I awoke time to time from my druggy state, ” It’s O K, everything will be fine. ” an assurance came from somewhere every time…

Finally, I awoke up, it was next morning, In a split second, I felt the excluciating pain,  throbbing left hand ( in my head, as far as I am concerned my left fingers existed all of them, I felt all the nerves were there ), arm and all the way to the shoulder.

In a split second, “O K, is this how it’s going to be ?” ” O K ,is this what I am going to get ?”‘ O K, then, I will take it, I will take it all whats coming to me.” ” I will embrace whatever coming my way, I will take it all.” “I will not turn away, refuse or try to avoid whats coming to me. ” It only took a split second to decide, I grunted my teeth, said to myself siently, ” This is it!”

The nurse came in with the needle in her hand heading to the Ivy stand, “What is it?” ” Its for pain , Demorol ” In a split second, I said to her clearly, ” “No, I don’t want it” The shock on her face, she could not believe what she thought what I really said, and said with almost a pity like  ( you don’t know what you are saying..) ” Oh, honey you gonna need iy. You will soon see, you will ask for more, every one does, you don’t need to suffer you know.” It only took a split second to say one more time ” No, I don’t want it.” She said  “O K, honey, let me know if you change your mind any time O K ?”

Later that morning, Doctor’s morning rounds team came in,The Doctor who was glancing at my chart, asked nurse, “what happen here?” Pointing the chart, she sook her head  “NO, She didn’t want it.” By this time all of them looking to see what they were talking about, and they all turn to look at me. I serously forgot what kind of look that was. ( “Are you crazy, stupid, or gutzy, or all three?”) I  had no expressions on my face when I was watching them, like retarded little person.

In a split, I was already ready t take upon rain or shine, any more pains or sufferings. I was willing to extend my arms and embrace what ever it is. But “Wow hee!!!” ” B… shit!,  Embrace your pain? who said that so easily” ” How do you embrace your pain?” In a split second, ” Attentively Feel the pain, all of it, be that pain, every bit of it, recognize degree of that pain, notice how much it hurts ” ” don’t try not to feel the pain, don’t ignore it, be that pain that is inside of you, an observer is observed !”

In a split second, when you become that pain, the fear of pain subside, there isn’t any more pain, because you are that pain. My son Eugene told me when he was 4th grader,”Mom, no fear, no hurts”

In a split second, I realized the degree of my throbbing pain will be lessened for sure as each day passes, In 6 or more weeks will all be over, my reward will be no more pain.

The first day out after the accident to visit the U C Irvine clinic for my injury’s after care. As soon as I got out of my car as I walk toward the clinic, in a split second, I noticed that I was walking tall, head up, the shoulders open, like I own the side walk. In a split second, I realized, I had a vision when I was in the hospital. I saw myself walking tall, not caring about being handicap (my new me ). Same clothing, my bandaged up left hand in a sling, wearing white half tall boots. In a split second, I said to myself,” This is how it’s going to be!” Autumn sun felt so warm on my skin. In a split second, ” Oh God, Thank you, help me to be strong, I can never fall, who will take care of my beautiful daughter Eunie and my precious son Eugene. I can never fall a part for them. I have to be the rock for them. I have to be strong. I have to show them how to find the light from the darkest hole ” From that moment on, my journey begun. It only took a split second.

One sunday, about 3 weeks after the accident, my friend Tina convinced me to go to her church she goes. After the service was over, the Pastor Kim invited us to his office, literally preached to us for 2 hours, mainly it was all for me. In a split second, during that private talk, my deep soul mind grabbed one simple massage.” When you are physically challenged, you must put your whole being in to the spiritual realm. You can not make it if you stay in physical world.”

In a split second, “This is it, I will make it, I have an answer.” In a split second again, ” How do I put myself in the spiritual realm?”

I don’t remember when this AHA! understanding came through as almost in one sentence. ” Start negating what’s not spiritual!”

In a split second, the other answer followed. ” Start negeting things that you don’t need, marterially, physially, and psychologically.”

The superficial things that were important before, no longer mattered anymore Everyday was a new challenge to reshaping new ideas, forming new attitudes. Putting  the intention in action, and staying with it. To be attentive to what I need to be doing took whole lot of me all together,It was no room to slack,I wanted to be alert to notice every move I make,or feel the every bit of emotions that I go through each moment. I already anticipated it would be a one long journeyor a few.

The need base, this taught all of us to be practical, frugal and less vein. ” Do I need it?” ” Do I really need it ?” ” Can you do without it?”

The important base, ” What is most important thing for me to do today?” This question to myself every morning and through out the day. This gave me the chance to tackle things deligently with assurance of that I am doing what’s most important to me at that time, and I am doing my very best.

No more guilt I had when I couldn’t finish, because I have done my best with what I have got going with the time available to me. I noticed, when I knew when I do my very best, in a split second, I learned that made me happy.

There were many times, I felt so helpless and sad when I wanted brush my little girl’s beautiful long hair, and when I coudnt help my son put on his pants or the socks and tie his shoe laces. But in a split second, it was comfort to me to know they will grow up to be an independent people in the society. Let them grow up on their own, let this be the blessing in diguise.

When you loose something, we are in need of replacement. When I lost my fingers, I just had to get something for them. I can not let part of my body wasted. In a split second, I just knew I needed to replace it with transformed self, that was my pure determination.It might have been my ego that wanting to replace my lost long gone fingers with something much more worth whlie (but it seemed does not matter now)

I put on full gears on. Be awake!. Be alert. Be attentive!. Be open minded!. And work hard.

If I express my commitment to myself, and to my kids was that I will try my best to be a full parent for them. Now without their choice they ended up having only half parent. I had no doubt that I can be a half parent, but I was willing to try to be a  three quaters of parent for them at least. In a split second, It was a choiceless choice.

The lesson is to fulfilling God given responsibilities as possiblly as I can without any sort of hesitations, like an auto pilot, never a burden, not a conditioned effort, always no motives I do it because I love them uncoditionally. This was the part of my lesson too recognizing and expressing the love, in a split second, my heart is warm and full of joyous tears running down on my cheeks.

I strongly believe my other lesson that I recognized was the patience. In a split second, when I couldn’t pull my blue jeans up like I used to or zeep it up, It was automatic recognition, and automatic displine on my part. It was like choiceless choice. The first time I realized real meaning of  ” The chioceless choice. It seemed like everything I did needed my patience even with simplest daily routines. I come to realize it was so many things we do, we do it with both hands. Everytime first attempt failed, in a split second, I repeated to myself, ,”O K, Patience, lets start over, and this time take your time, take deep breath, one small movement at a time. ” Once you decided take your time, and it’s O K, to take time, suddenly you gain tormendous energy and creativities. You gain tolerance for the frustrations for not being able to accomplish for the first time, and much more endurance and allowance were given to myself. This is when I actually learned that I can cultivate patience by practicing. For me? as I said it was a choiceless choice.

My long time girl friend who was a nurse at the time, is my kid’s God mother, wrapped her left hand in a fist to see what I would go through every day for 24 hours. She said with teary eyes ” It was really hard, I could not believe almost everything we do every day needed 2 hands.” In a split second I sad ” Oh my, I have a friend. ” I knew even after that day she continued to carry on to experiencing my ordeal.

My lesson which was patience. ” Please God grant me the patience, but please hurry!” This really fits description of me totally.

 

 This is under construction…..

 

  

The courage to leave home.

oMy son Eugene picked me up from the airport around end of December 07, my usual trip back home once a month. On the way home, he mention that Corry, his friend is going to school in San Francisco for classes he needs to take to become a firemen’s paramedic. “Well Eugene, why don’t you go with him and take couple of classes up there?  Wouldn’t it be the perfect chance for you to go back to school, and will give you an opportunity to be in the new environment.” He reached over with his right hand to my right hand ( my left hand has prosthysis on), and said “ Thank you mom, I love you.” This is how he moved to San Francisco and registered at the City College in Jan. 08.

He lives on the very famous street called The Clarion St./Mission St. where there is well known artists paintings on the wall and garage door. It is very rough area as his landlord informed me, and said,”Lets see if he can stick it out. If he can’t, I will discard his lease, although he signed 1 year lease.” I do agree 100 %, the area is very  rough looking . I mentioned to Eugene one day that I believe it’s not safe for him to live there. But he said ” Mom don’t you know I need to see all this? I am fine Mom. Would you please stop worrying?” Well, that,s that I said to myself……

I love to read his blogs and check on it every day. It helps me to get to know more of him, or rather get to know him all over again. Now  he is grown up individual being, not only as my son. That’s where I got my blogging ideas from him . I got jealous. Beside, it’s long overdue, that I truly believe I need to express my thoughts, pour out what I have inside of me good or bad, whatever it is. My dearest  spiritual friend Eddie Gabrial been told me many times in the past, that I needed to bring out all my writings which are tucked a way like it almost don’t exist. He said it meant to sing it , not literally but in spiritual sense and people need to read about it. I never believed him only because I know  that I am no writer not in English nor Korean, because I am not good in either one.All I have been doing was scrible once in a while.

Eugene lives in small studio apartment, upstairs of the Hispanic church along with 2 other Hispanic tenants. He and I both think there is a crack house acrosse the alley on Clarion Street where he can see who is going in or out . He even took pictures of some one getting arrested at the bottom of the stairs, right outside of his apartment one night in the dark.

The latest thing with Eugene is that he is planning to join the cycling event from San Francisco to Los Angeles for AIDS fund raising. He pleads for someone to donate some money at the fund raising web site ( I promised  myself not to forget to donate some $s out of my pocket. ) It would be so worth it. It will make him happy.

But my latest dilemma with his cycling to all the way to Los Angeles is not only mother’s worry, I think I have good reason to be concerned about him  over doing to prove himself that he is now normal and has no handicap issues. Their meet starts on 1st of June, ends the 7th. I know I will drive near his course just in case he needs something. I will meet him somewhere from the middle, like Modesto, California.I just must!!!

“PLEASE EUGENE! Listen to your body!……You already proved your potential to yourself and to the whole world by pulling yourself together against all odds.Your deligent efforts and never wanting to give up for yourself is a proof. Please don’t never forget that.” Love you son!.

 

 

A baby bird

Like a baby bird,who has not yet learn to fly, who hasn’t had chance to open his wings full-span,who hasn’t had experience of soring free across the sky, carving one’s own path, you have fallen.

You who are so young,you who are so innocent, you who are so clean and pure, untainted by this harsh, dark world.

A fledgling youth,a wide-eyed deer,a new born babe with eyes still shut,you seek to open your eyes to seethe greatness of the world,and thw greatness you will achieve.

The world will just have to wait, little while longer.

Eunie kim10/12/03

Eunie is sister of Eugene kim, wrote for him after he came home from the hospital

She bought a note bookfor him to write a journal,and she wrote this poem on the first page.

Empty nest syndrom

FLY, MY SON,

Let go, and let God, Let go, and let you be, Its been long overdue.

I hear it from your voice, from the other side of the earth. A note higher, in a sencse, I hear, courage, I feel the confidence, I know the packs of the commitments to grow on your own. I felt it so clearly, so deep thrusting in my heart.

I felt the struggles you went through all along, not knowing what to do yourself. Its time to let you find own light.

I became a shadow, I realized. The unseen shadows was harder to get rid of, but now my son!. You are free with your God given wisdom. You now can fly into the blue skies, with all the sun shines spread over you. Nothing can withhold you now, for my heart is open, to let you fly alone.

The sky is blue, go ahead fly! Into the infinite rhyme, roaming through the rays of the sun, hold your head up high. Fly my soon, have no fear, but with love you have within you.

The world is out there, its all waited ever so patiently, for you to grab every moments, to come to renew your strength, its there to embrace you, its there for you to experience, I know you will make exquisite snap shots, for every moments to come….one after another…

Capture the beauties, print the hurts, slide the disappointments.

Now right this secred moment, I, as your mother, I feel free. Thank you my son, for your courage, endurance, and most of all for your potential. You have done it. You pulled yourself through, so graciously, so patiently. Within that time and space went ever so slowly.

Fly! my son, wing it hard. Now your wings healed finally.  Learn how to let your wings ride on the winds as it blows.

Jan/08 After  Eugene left for San Francisco, I realized that I truly felt it’s time to let hom go, so God can guide his life,and clearly I can see myself stepping aside.

So one night, I dicided to let him know what I felt and what was my intetions. This was my email to him that night.(God,it is beautiful, thank you for that mom love you so much. He emailed  me back)

 

 

 

How I got to Hot Springs, Arkansas!!!

OH my !,….. As I looked back , I really don’t know how I got through  the training periods of my life’s lessons. Every time when things got harder I repeatedly tell myself “This is my lessons, mine only!”

After the  accident  which the park light pole fell on  my son Eugene’s head while running Cross-Coutry race meet when he was 16 years old.The first sugery was performed to put in the titanium rods in his back along with 9 screws. He  had to put on thick plastic turtle shell brace on to learn to sit, stand and walk all over again, very extensive rehab and physical therapy along with 6 sets of doctors.At the same time he struggled still trying to get his credits in school in order for him to be able to stay in school.

This same set of ordeal repeated after the second surgery, which took place in senior year, 13 months later from the date of the first accident,to take out his rods and screws from his back because of pain its causing his back, This time the school required him to go to adults school to get credits he needed,as he persued his duties as a high school student, his whole body and mind was overloaded with his responsibilities we deligently put it on him. He never got over with his sleep disorder nor the truma syndrom. I want to cry out for him every time when I remember what we (teachers, pricipal, school district administrator, school psycologist, school district counseller and the school counseller) all decided whats best for him and almost drill him down every day. I terribly regret why I never thought about just let him take the GED, and just let him attend the school with rest of his friends with out all that credit nonsence and the pressures we put him through. I take my hats off to him for his endurance, intergrity, and for his self repect. Many times I wanted to say “son I am so sorry for what I have done not knowing whats best for you then”

By the time my son graduated from High School I already aquired Real Eastate licence ( one more time around which I had and gave up) to prepare to teach Eugene there is somethings he can do if he does not find what he likes to do . After he went to local  community college , droped out after 2 months, I was so fearful that he might really get lost and give up on himself. I could not bare to see him depressed and locked himself in the room all day and sleep. So, one day I asked him if he like to go along road trip to the east coast and back. Yes! He said so gladly . So we packed up with our new addition of our family Poncho (tea cup chuwawa). I wanted paint some kind of pictures on the blank wall he was looking at ever since the accident. The pictures, all the plans of colleges, what he wanted do for his future got wiped out clean left blank wall  (West Point, Navy Seal CIA jr. college program was his aim. since he had the black belt in Takwondo at age 11, certified diver age 16) I just wanted to give him the ideas maybe some day he could do this when he is ready. I was so worried he might mold himself to lazy life style.

So here we went 13 states in 21 days, fast track, live realeastate investment lessons. I  explained everything I knew as we looked at each subject. I realized all the things that I was able to teach him came from my past real eastate experience from 1980s when I had licence then. We stopped at the  small cities to  the big cities, looked in to apt. buildings, four-plexes, condos, storage buildings, mobil home parks, shopping centers,  single family homes, lake properties, lands,  and we were on our way to look  at some office buildings in Dallas, Texas, drove on freeway I-30, saw the sign to Hot Springs exit 111, took a sharp right turn and the first place we stopped was at the front of the Trumpets retaurant in the VELDA ROSE RESORT HOTEL & SPA on 217 park ave. Down Town Hot Springs Akansas. I was informed that time from locals that whole city it self is the national park.

Wow ! we both was so amazed and specially  this was the former President Mr. Bill Clinton’s home town where he was raised. His little white house (his house is really white )  was 6 blocks from the VELDA ROSE HOTEL.And we drove to look at Mr Clinton’s little white house on the little hill. It was “ A wow!!! “moments for both of us about how small and average looking house he lived in and raised as normal average people like every one else, still marched on to his dreams being the President of Unuited States of America, The great nation that I repect more each days I live here for greatest freedom, opportunities, intergrity, honor of humen rights and the God loving peoples country,united as we stand.

So this was our journey Eugene and I took in year 2006 early Feb. on the rainy day found this Hotel VELDA ROSE !!!

YOU CALL ME CRAZY, STUPID OR GUTZY woman, maybe you can call me all three  all ar once. I admit ! This is way out of my league, from small boutique to this giant space-ship, to me it is.

www.veldarose.net is our web site, The hotel ran with absentee owner for years and 2 years prior to our ownership it ran by the former cocktail watress/ bartender/ bar manager. It took us 2 years to cleaned up this place and fixing  things from the core of the problems not only bandaged them up like they used to. We, my brother and I put our hearts into this projects along with our assistant general manager /Food & beverage manager Derrick Hayes, who we are so thankful.

my poetry

It’s been there all along, deep inside of me, attempting to scream out aloud, echoes of the fear for uncertainty,  took me back to my dungeons.

There were times wanting to cry out, end up chocking with no air.

The life time collection of words, faced no exits for the escape route, bottled up inside, no where to hide, packed in to every cells, yet entwined in the vast space it seems.

My heart is full with unseen, unspoken words, so old, almost lost it’s meaning.

To express, painstakingly sorrowful memories, with out a pity.

The beauties of nature inscribed in the colorful stones.

All the known for the truth, from the trials and tribulations, making sentences to deliver on to next experiences.

Residual sadness for many hurts, disappointments swallowed big lumps in the throat.

Its still there, all mixed in together, waiting to burst out, through tiny crack if there is any, To sing it in to the ears, who care to listen.

To whisper the mystic realms, for some one to understand.

Desperately more to give, instantaneously ready to release, the deepest kind, the motherly love, needing to be recorded, if not anything else.

As I regroup, as I recoup what belongs to me, is my poetry.

Feb 03/08 leia cha

Who am I?

I will always be a single mom, a daugther, a sister, a friend, a meditator, a hiker for the rest of my life.

I am currently a co-maker of “It’s a secret!” Anti-Aging cream (the real maker is God)

I am currently  a temporary care taker/owner of the “Velda Rose Resort Hotel and Spa ” in Hot Springs Arkansas. (the real owner is God,the bank is the temporary owner)

I am currently  a temp.owner/co-care taker of the “Beach Store” in Huntington Beach California for 25 years which is the boutique I started with only $465.00 in my hand, my co-care taker is my great girls who work at the Beach Store (last 10 years were non-owner operated)

My passion was in to the “Wellness center” in Los Angeles 5 years ago, but folded by my son’s freak accident at  age 16 in jr. year in high school, the light pole at the park fell and hit his head while he was running the Cross-Country High School race meet.Thank God ! He was able to use the falling technic from Karate/Takwondo training, 3 times a week from when he was 4 years old paid off and saved his life!!!.

We spent last 4 years 24/7 together, getting well besause of the miracle happened, he is almost the miracle boy as doctors called him, yes!  He is doing well against all odds, going through the process of growing pains, yes! He is trying to find his center, trying to come out of trauma still…….I am proud  that he pulled himself through all this so far, as young as he is, and every time when I remember, I am so thankfull……(phil,1:3)

I am so proud that my beautiful daughter who is getting her Master’s in public policy from UCLA this June, is going to the UC Hastings Law school ( maybe UC Davis) in San Francisco this fall.( so glad my son is there too going to school) I am so proud myself getting over the “empty nest syndrome, slowly but surely ( writing poetry was the therapy ha ! HA ! I am an American,but Korean,torn between 2 langauges, not good in either one.

I still have a passionate dream about a “Retreat center/Wellness center/Life coaching” place somewhere in California, ( It will have prayer room, meditation room, lecture/ dining hall, den/books/reading room, sound healing room, aroma /color therapy room, sauna/ massage room, chinese herb/acupuncture room, Quantum Bio Feed back therapy, automatic acupuncture/heat/accu-pressure therapy bed, Life coaching counselling room/small  group dialog room, small teepees for one person’s space/q.t(quite time) rooms in the back of the center in the nature in the woods, vegi/flower gardens for every one to pitch in, will have weekly lectures and seminars, and the monthly big events, bi-yearly group trip to sacred places  around world, Any race, color, creeds, and religion will be welcomed. It will  be the place for people to come to rest their mind, body and soul to find the real truth about themselves..”.know thy self????” ( the most attractive part will be the low and minimal cost to everyone who have desire to make some changes in their lives if its not radical transformations.)

The center will be part of foundation for the people who lost limbs (the funds will come from the sale of “It’s a secret Anti-Aging cream.)

I lost my left five fingers from the lawn mower accident in 1989, an aggressive single mom trying to do everything by herself, but that was the blessing in disguise, this experience took me to the spiritual journey that I was on and still on till this moment, “de-programing standardized social main stream pressures,,,” “un-conditioning deep inbedded culture,” “un-loading psycological bagages,” “negating what is not love,” “practicing objectives by not reacting emotionally but responding correctly,”and much more quests…….And I promised to myself that I can not and will not fall for my children, further more I strongly told myself that I will not waste my five fingers for nothing, so I was determind to get something worthwhile to replace the value of my fingers which deminished forever.

I just came out with  this “It’s a secret!”Anti-Aging cream,No, I had it when I had the Wellness center in Los Angeles before my son Eugene was injured, but I let this idea hybernate for a while, no, I actually had no time or spare mind to do anything else but taking care of my son”s recovery. I really don’t have any idea what to do with this  Anti-Aging cream…….I put it on my bartender’s worse side of the face and neck ( only half side of the face) one Sat. night,forgot all about it, but she came to pick up her check on following Wednesday, her face was turned the other way around, better side became worse, ofcourse she wanted the cream and many more testimonies like that after that day on………specially at the Rose Garden Spa in the Velda Rose resort Hotel, we have strong true tesimonies every day , also when have the big coventions and big wedding parties, we are generousely give away our samples. I am so delighted to hear these people say “Wow!” And they ask, “Whats in it ?”

 ” I can’t tell you that !”  Its a secret !”

I just got domain names”itsasecretantiaging.com” “itsasecretantiagingcream.com”but don’t know what to do next,as you can see I am a computer illiterate, I don’t even know how to spell things either, but all is well, nothing is miss placed in this world.

I very much believe things will fall in to places some how, the law of attractions backing me up with full force, The Source is the energy outlet.

“No longer live life controlled by fear,” Eugene Kim, my son 21.

 

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